rosesdelanuit

i hate my unwanted thoughts
sometimes its hard not to believe them
multiple men flirted with me today
and i felt so uncomfortable and disgusted
by even the suggestion of being wanted
especially by a man
yet some part of me keeps nagging
at the desire to be loved and listened to
begging me to give in and see what happens
i try to make new friends
because i so desperately want someone, anyone to talk to
anyone to share little details of my life
because it feels like no one wants to listen anymore
and it follows me there
projecting discomfort onto anyone around me

if only it were possible
to prevent my every thought
from somehow involving you
for there was once a time
when your voice enveloped
every moment of my day

even the sharpest blade feels dull
when used to cut out spiraling emotions in the heart
tearing apart sinews and blood vessels in the process
yet it is not enough

watching sunbeams flit through the leaves
reflecting on the creeks steady bubbling flow
i wonder how beautiful this moment would be
if i could still share it with you

i think the hardest part to accept
is that you arent the person i thought you were

under the red glow of the night sky
a vast emptiness echoes throughout my being
looking at the stone behind me
i ponder all i could have been

good morning, my love
sunlight greets me through the trees
a peaceful reminder of all that is well
but i cannot help but feel empty
in memory of waking to your voice
i linger by the door that we refuse to shut
peering in, and hoping you peer back
we catch each others eyes a bit too often
as if it were some sort of game
i write my feelings for you every day
and crumple them into the trash
caught between wanting to let go
and knowing i cannot
because you still play along, too
i cannot look away
because i have loved you
so i know you must have loved me too
for why else would you still look at me?
if i could ask you for one more thing
i would ask for your honesty
because in the moments where our eyes meet
looking away hurts more than anything
i hope you will be well, my dear

a weed in the flowerbed
persistently growing strong
its thorns blooming ugliness
i dig it out with a shovel
and it always grows back
fat and plump off the sins
carved in my heart
a being of boiling hatred
can never forget what its seen
you will haunt me longer than i
could ever haunt you

tracing memories on the palm of my hand
i wonder if you see the same lines
if we could connect them again
they'd align and we'd laugh, saying
that we were born to be together
in this world without a trace of your existence
i still search for you every day

sunken under silt on the lake-bottom
waters murky and dark and deep
centuries old secrets
lost to the cloak of time

we push the sun to work
waters receding in the heat
revealing our forbidden truths

what is it that you are hiding?
i can't help but focus on you
even as my own self is exposed
trembling as i realize
you are of a different species